Staying When it Hurts
Sometimes learning comes inside the hardest moments when we’re willing to meet what’s here with honesty and care.
“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.”
— Martin Luther King Jr..
For a long time, I’ve thought about my life as having two distinct halves.
There was an earlier version of me - fast-moving, decisive, always pushing forward. My body and I were like a pointed arrow, darting through life, staying busy, staying light, rarely stopping long enough to feel what was actually there. Discomfort was something to move away from. Stillness felt risky.
Over time, through my own development and training, I learned a different way of being - how to slow down, how to sit with discomfort rather than outrun it, how to let sensations and emotions move through me instead of tightening around them.
That learning didn’t make life easy. But it changed how I met it.
What I didn’t know then was how much that learning would be needed again. Because life has a way of returning us to places we think we’ve already passed through, just in a different form.
Right now, illness has entered my life. Cancer. Not in my body, but in the body of the person I love most. The person who has so often been my anchor, my steadiness, my strength. Now it’s my turn to offer that. And to do so without disappearing myself in the process.
I notice how quickly my old default still shows up.
“I’m fine.” “I’ve got this.” “I’ll deal with it.”
The instinct to push through, to stay upright, to avoid being touched too deeply by fear, grief, or sorrow hasn’t gone anywhere.
The difference now is that I see it. And I have more choice about what I do next.
One of the strongest things I’ve learned is that self-care isn’t something you add on after the hard part.
It shapes how you move through it.
For me, that means:
noticing when I’m bracing instead of breathing
resisting the pull to stay endlessly strong
letting myself be supported, not just supportive
asking for help before I’m depleted
remembering that care flowing only outward eventually runs dry
This isn’t indulgence. It’s responsibility to myself, and to the people I love.
Because when I neglect myself, I don’t just pay the price. Others do too.
What I feel most strongly right now isn’t clarity or certainty. It’s relief.
Relief that I know how to stay when things are painful.
Relief that I don’t have to rush myself toward answers.
Relief that I can hold fear, love, anger, and exhaustion, sometimes all at once, without needing to tidy them up.
The pain hasn’t gone away. But it doesn’t own me in the same way.
So, my practice, right now, is simple and ordinary.
Breathing when I want to brace.
Pausing when I want to plough on.
Letting myself cry, rant, laugh and letting that be enough.
Allowing what’s happening to move through me, rather than hardening me around it.
Not trying to be brave. Not trying to be inspiring. Just staying present.
I don’t know how this chapter will unfold. What I do know is that learning doesn’t only come after the hardest moments have passed. Sometimes it comes inside them when we’re willing to meet what’s here with honesty and care.
If you’re living alongside illness, loss, or something that has rearranged your world, I hope this offers one quiet reassurance:
You don’t have to rush.
You don’t have to be strong all the time.
You don’t have to run.
Staying … gently, imperfectly … is enough.
Bobby Davis is a qualified executive and team coach with extensive experience in organisational development, business change (the people angle), human resources and personal leadership.
Her coaching experience is against a backdrop of 30+ years working in managerial and human resources/OD roles in the British Army, Not for Profits, Professional Services and most recently with a private equity owned Hotel Group.
She has led the People “strand” within large business transformation programmes, creating people strategies, internal coaching schemes and embedding strong performance cultures, as well as supporting at all levels of an organisation to implement effective change.
She is absolutely passionate in her pursuit to support, challenge and deliver sustainable change for individuals, teams and organisations, one person at a time if necessary!
You can catch her for a chat about coaching, using your body better as a leader and/or supporting you in HR/OD here Bobby Davis FCIPD PCC | LinkedIn
And check out her dulcet tones in “More Than A Lumpy Jumper” - Conversations about Leadership, Life and Learning here More Than a Lumpy Jumper | Podcast on Spotify
